hosemonster, i owe you my deepest gratitude.

had i not been reading your blog, had i not seen one of your hosemonster hotties modeling the latest in fashionable undergarments, had i not been prompted to browse their online store, i completely would have forgotten about one of the very things which i look forward to most each year, maybe even more than christmas.

the victoria's secret semi-annual sale.

you see, i have never quite understood this whole semi-annual thing. to my knowledge, things are either annual or they are not. so i generally miss the sale completely, or stumble in at the last second amidst the sparse remains of 32DDD and extra-extra-extra small.

but this time, i was ready.

mom and i arrived at the mall well-rested and prepared for battle. we were alerted to the enormous crowd already gathered inside the store by the equally enormous crowd of husbands, sons, and boyfriends waiting impatiently outside. with a knowing nod, mom and i parted ways at the door. divide and conquer, the motto of all truly successful shoppers.

for those of you who haven't experienced this sale first-hand, i can only say that it is somewhat like a massive yard sale. women are shoving, pushing, yelling, grabbing, attacking, and complaining simultaneously. all of the merchandise has been organized by size and dumped into hundreds of bins throughout the store. to actually have the chance to look through the bins, you must first squeeze in between two other ladies furiously digging through them. then, in a bit of grace among the chaos, you join in the circular dance around the tables as each customer reaches the bottom of her bin and rotates to the bin on her right. it's loud, it's somewhat frightening, but it's beautiful, really. nature at its finest.

picture your last garage sale, and there you have victoria's secret. only their garage is pink and better smelling.

immediately, i spotted the one item i most wanted. of course, it was the wrong size. i then see mom waving frantically from across the store. she has found the right size, but the wrong fabric. at the bottom of my fourth bin, i find something pretty but with enough padding to make another tedward or perhaps a small twin mattress.

all this time, i am marveling at the wide variety which vicky's has to offer. the amount of sequins, feathers, and/or pom-poms on some of the lovely creations i examined could outfit an entire vegas show. obviously, i decide, these undergarments were intended for decoration. i would not buy these to put in my underwear drawer, i would hang them on my walls.

finally, after an hour or more of endless digging, i find something completely satisfying. i locate mom, who is in hysterics over a little asian girl who commented that she was a "bit dizzy" from circling the table so many times. we get in line, we pay, and we escape.

so thank you, hosemonster. had it not been for you, i would have missed all the fun and craziness and beautiful bargains.

not to mention the sequins.