it's hard being the queen of soaps.

here i am resting on the royal throne, happy to be with one of my most loyal subjects, but a bit perturbed as well. it's thursday night, and though i may entertain myself with the fascinating array of prime time television available at this moment -- from "friends" to "er" -- these programs simply do not hold the wonder, emotion, or drama of my daytime favorites. nevermind the lack of identical twins separated at birth.

sometimes people ask me exactly how i received this honorable title. it has been a long road of faithful viewing, from the afternoons of my youth spent watching taped shows with my mother, the grand matriarch of daytime television, to my college days spent reclusively in my room during the hours of 11 to 3.

and i haven't always been the queen. until recently, i was merely the princess of soaps. as a long time viewer of "all my children," i had only recently added "days of our lives" to my daytime palate. this year, i traded in my tiara for a crown, after recognizing and appreciating the entire menu of soaps available. a typical afternoon in the life of the queen of soaps begins with my old favorite, "all my children," followed by a bit of "port charles." after fretting through the local news, i am again relieved by "passions," then "days of our lives."

unfortunately, several unwanted duties have come from this ascension into true daytime royalty. i simply cannot handle any more calls from network executives and soap writers wishing for me to review plotline ideas and approve possible new shows. so i have decided to share my immense knowledge of this subject with the world, once and for all. here is my comprehensive guide to soap opera success. these are the things a good show simply cannot be without.

1. amnesia. the more amnesia, the better.

2. the evil and seemingly endlessly wealthy tycoon, who controls and attempts to ruin the lives of all the other characters. has several ex wives and illegitimate children. may be foreign.

3. a touch of the supernatural is key. a soap opera simply isn't a soap opera without aliens, talking dolls, demonic possession, or -- my favorite -- vampires.

4. the hispanic family of devout catholics. especially the catholic hispanic mother, who mentions the virgin mary often, and throws short phrases of spanish into her everyday conversations. for example: "mateo, mi hijo, you have amnesia."

5. several of the characters must belong to the local police force. and they must have police uniforms which truly do involve wearing a shiny gold sheriff's badge.

6. mistaken paternity. 70% of the time, a character does not know the identity of their true father. 40% of the time, their true father is the evil tycoon.

7. children who age at a supernatural rate. in a weeks time, little jr. may go from seven to seventeen, without so much as a blink from the community or his parents. playground one day, puberty the next.

8. the handsome doctor, or multiple handsome doctors. many of the characters work at the hospital. in fact, if a person does not work at the hospital or serve on the police force, they write for the newspaper, own a cosmetics company, or are independently wealthy. there are no other careers.

9. identical twins. however, it is not necessary that the identical people are related. sometimes they are complete strangers who just look eerily alike. generally, one or both of these people will at some point develop amnesia, and switch identities.

10. did i mention amnesia? amnesia is truly the blood which runs through the heart of a soap opera.

so there you have it. and please, nbc, please quit calling me about "days." i know that alien twins separated from their mother at birth who have spent their entire lives living in a space capsule technically does not travel outside the bounds of my list of requirements, but still. the queen and all her loyal subjects will continue to boycott the show until you rocket the alien twins out of salem on the spaceship they arrived in.

i mean, seriously. you want these these things to be believable, right?